Smobat
by sventastic
Summary: The tale of Smoker Wayne, Loguetown's masked vigilante Batman, and his fight against crime in the name of Justice! AU. Smoker/Ace and other pairings, some rather random. Fic should not be taken seriously in any way.
1. Teapots in the Sky

**1. TEA****POTS IN THE SKY**

**

* * *

**

[SMOKER WAYNE at desk, idly reading newspaper. Door swings open. TASHIGI ALBERT enters with coffee.]

SMOKER: [Looks up briefly and scowls at TASHIGI.]

TASHIGI: [Wibbles] I'm sorry Smoker, sir! The coffee machine exploded!

SMOKER: Hnn.

TASHIGI: Yes sir! [Begins walking but trips. Coffee flies everywhere.]

SMOKER: [Glares]

TASHIGI: I'm sorry sir! I'll get the Swiffer!

SMOKER: Hnn.

TASHIGI: Oh, okay, I'll go polish my swords! [Exits while humming.]

SMOKER: (Muttering to himself) Note to self, buy new coffee machine. Second note to self, buy new butler. [Pause] Third note to self, stop making notes to self and use Post-It Notes.

[SMOKER watches the news on TV. TASHIGI is in standby mode near the wall. MAN on TV standing in front of large charred BUILDING.]

MAN: (From TV) ... late last night, witnesses reported seeing the National Loguetown Museum of Tea on fire. Unfortunately, none of the few dozen residents near the five-storey building noticed it was burning until it was entirely engulfed in flames...

SMOKER: How can you not notice a five-storey building burning right next to you?

[TV shows short video of gigantic fire. Captioned "Amateur Video". VOICES can be heard underneath MAN's rambling.]

VOICE 1: Haha, doesn't that look totally SUPER?

VOICE 2: Hey bro, do you think we should go call the Fire Department?

VOICE 1: Pfft, nah, it's okay. Somebody else will.

[TV shows few dozen more similar videos.]

SMOKER: Did everyone in the area just_ watch_ the museum burn down?

MAN: (From TV) Sadly, by the time a blind pedestrian noticed and called 911, the museum was mostly destroyed.

[SMOKER facepalms.]

MAN: (Continuing) Police believe that this act of arson is linked to the recent burning of the National Loguetown Museum of Crackers and have been caused by the same unknown person. Chief Commissioner Garp Gordon has some comments.

[TV shows GARP, distressed. Blows nose into pink handkerchief.]

GARP: (Sobbing) We'll catch that tea-murdering, cracker-killing -

[Long series of bleeps emitted from TV.]

GARP: - if it's the last thing we do! [Bursts into tears.]

MAN: That is all about the Tea Museum arson. Next up, insights on how to make long-lasting curls, from Mr. Igaram! Stay tuned after this short break!

[SMOKER turns off TV. Bright light flashes from outside the window.]

TASHIGI: Sir? Teapot-Signal is up!

SMOKER: Do I have to go?

TASHIGI: Yes, sir!

SMOKER: (Mumbling) Note to self, break that damn lightbulb.

TASHIGI: Sir, you said you would use Post-It notes from now on!

SMOKER: Whatever. My jacket.

[TASHIGI salutes. Foot catches on corner of rug. Flies into armchair. Flip off the armchair into bookshelf. Bounces off bookshelf and hits floor lamp. Trips on floor lamp's extension cord. Falls onto coffee table. Coffee table shatters.]

TASHIGI: I'm okay sir! [Walks unsteadly back to original location. Removes jacket from wall hanger. Slowly walks back and hands over jacket.]

SMOKER: Thanks. [Removes two cigars and a lighter. Lights cigars. Smokes both of them simultaneously. Tosses jacket to TASHIGI.] Put it back now.

TASHIGI: Yes, sir!

[SMOKER exits. Loud crashes.]

* * *

[ROOFTOP of mysterious tall building. Teapot-Signal coming from large mysterious flashlight. GARP mysteriously making shadow puppets.]

GARP: (Muttering) Graaar... I'm the zombie rabbit! I will nom your brainz! (In falsetto) Eek, oh no! But I _need _my brainz! (Normal voice) No! Brainzes are for the weakz!

[BATMAN mysteriously appears next to Garp mysteriously.]

BATMAN: (Mysteriously) Excuse me.

GARP: Whoa! I didn't notice you there!

BATMAN: Probably not. Anyways, what do you want? Help with something more important than that ridiculous Tea Museum arson?

[GARP stares blankly then guffaws. BATMAN stands there looking as confused as he can with a mysteriously weird mask-thing on his mysterious face.]

GARP: Naw, I need you to babysit my grandkids!

[Mysterious pause. Mysteriously interrupt at random with mysterious crickets.]

BATMAN: ..._what_. I thought it was an emergency!

GARP: It is!

BATMAN: No, it isn't. You didn't have to Teapot-Signal for a _babysitting_ job! They don't even _need_ babysitting! One is 20 and the other 17!

GARP: Well, how else could I have asked you?

BATMAN: _The bloody phone!_ [Shoves mysterious paper with 707-JUS-TICE mysteriously written on it under Garp's mysterious nose]

GARP: Oh,_ right_, that thing.

BATMAN: _Argh!_ Note to self, _always_ bring two cigars and a lighter when meeting Garp from now on...

GARP: Gwahaha! I know somebody who smokes two cigars at once! He's the only person I know who does that! Come to think of it, he also has the same phone number and talks to himself a lot! What a coincidence!

BATMAN: ... yeah! [Coughs uncomfortably for some mysterious and unknown reason. Glances around shiftily and mysteriously.]

GARP: Wow, you're really similar to Mr. Smoker Wayne! Gwahaha!

[BATMAN flinches. Mysteriously.]

GARP: (Continues) Not like you _are_ Mr. Wayne. He doesn't wear a mask! Gwahaha!

BATMAN: Right. I know him! He's, uh, my friend.

GARP: Oh, okay! Then you can ask him to babysit. Goodbye then, it's time for my ballet lessons! [Exits mysterious ROOFTOP.]

BATMAN: ... good thing he's an idiot. [Mysteriously vanishes.]


	2. Sitting on Babies

**2. SITTING ON BABIES**

**

* * *

**

[SMOKER outside of APARTMENT. Sounds of muffled explosions. A brief silence. ACE opens the door.]

ACE: (Surprised) Oh, hello Smoker. Babysitting again?

SMOKER: [Glare Glare Glare]

ACE: Okay, great! Can you help me keep Luffy away from the microwave? I gotta go pee. [Runs off, presumably to the BATHROOM.]

SMOKER: [Sighs. Enters APARTMENT. Goes into KITCHEN.] Straw Hat!

LUFFY: [Stops prodding microwave with coathanger] Oh, hello Mr. Smokey! What are we going to do today?

SMOKER: I'm probably going to kill you.

LUFFY: Heeheehee, that sounds fun! Can you kill Ace too?

SMOKER: Sure, why not. The more the merrier.

LUFFY: Yey! [Picks nose]

[Sound of toilet flushing and running water. BATHROOM door opens. ACE goes into KITCHEN. Pours himself a glass of milk.]

ACE: What did I miss? [Drinks milk. Loves life.]

LUFFY: Smoker's going to kill us!

ACE: [Chokes] Excuse me?

SMOKER: Uh, I said… "thrill"…?

ACE: Ooooh… okay! Sounds fun! Right Luffy?

LUFFY: (Dejected) Killing us sounded cooler…

SMOKER: We could always do that instead.

ACE: [Smile sweetly] No thanks, we're good. (To LUFFY) If you want to die so badly, go jump off some cliffs in your video games.

LUFFY: Hurray! [Leaves]

ACE: Sooo… gramps made you come here again?

SMOKER: [Sigh] Yes.

ACE: I'll try to talk to him again tomorrow. It's not like we're little kids anymore. We don't need any babysitters.

[Sound of an explosion. LUFFY yells.]

ACE: (Louder) We can take care of ourselves just fine! [Coughs]

SMOKER: Right. [Pause] Did you see the Tea Museum fire? You live pretty close to it… it's just a couple of blocks away.

ACE: (Excitedly) Oh, yeah it was so _awesome_. It was humungous! I liked the part where the big sign on the roof exploded and rained possibly fatal but cool-looking flaming shrapnel everywhere! Mmm… fire… [Zones out]

SMOKER: (Mutter) So everyone _did_ just stand and watch it burn down… except the blind pedestrian who called the fire department.

[Exploding noises.]

ACE: [Snaps out of it] Another one? (Yell) Luffy, what are you doing?

LUFFY: Nothing!

[Explosion. ACE and SMOKER go to where LUFFY is.]

ACE: … what did you do to the TV?

LUFFY: Coathanger!

ACE: Riiiiiiight…

LUFFY: (Proudly) There's no more static anymore! Cuz I fixed it! [Points to mangled TV]

ACE: Let's stick a coathanger into your brain! That might fix it.

LUFFY: Heeheehee, Ace you're such a joker!

ACE: (Suspiciously) Joker? I'm not a joker. I'm everything and anything but a joker. Who told you I was a joker? Because I'm not. A Joker. Which I'm not.

LUFFY: Mr. Smoker, isn't Ace funny?

SMOKER: Yes. You're both funny in the head.

ACE: Hey, that's mea – [Falls asleep]

LUFFY: … what would happen if I stuck a coathanger up Ace's nose?

SMOKER: [Shrug] Go for it.

LUFFY: Okay!

[SMOKER escapes while LUFFY is distracted.]

* * *

[SMOKER's LIVING ROOM. SMOKER in his armchair, drinking coffee. TASHIGI on the sofa, polishing her sword.]

SMOKER: [Sigh] I hate those kids.

TASHIGI: Speaking of them, Garp called you – well, Batman, um, but, that's pretty much the same thing. But I'd never tell anyone, sir!

SMOKER: [Clears throat]

TASHIGI: Oh. Right. Garp wants you to look after Ace and Luffy again tomorrow. Sorry sir.

SMOKER: [Tries to drown himself in the mug of coffee]

TASHIGI: Might I suggest a more productive solution than killing yourself, sir?

SMOKER: [Stops drowning] Killing _them_ instead? With your shiny sword?

TASHIGI: (Appalled) No, sir! I just cleaned it! I was thinking that you should get a sidekick!

SMOKER: … a sidekick.

TASHIGI: Yes! In fact, I've already found somebody, sir!

SMOKER: (Worried) It's not Hina, is it?

TASHIGI: No sir! Having two people that talk to themselves is a bit too much. Um, oops, sorry sir.

SMOKER: [Glares] Then who is it? I hope it's not you.

TASHIGI: No, sir, it's not me either! I have to stay home to destroy things and polish my swords! It's somebody famous you've heard of!

[Doorbell rings]

SMOKER: Go get the door.

[TASHIGI salutes. Goes to answer the door. Many crashing noises. TASHIGI returns a few minutes later.]

TASHIGI: Sir, meet Ms. Nico Robin! [Steps aside]

ROBIN: [Enters LIVING ROOM] (Mysteriously) Hello, Mr. Smoker. It's a pleasure to meet you. [Smile]

SMOKER: [Stares at Tashigi] You asked Nico Robin to be my sidekick?

TASHIGI: Yes sir! Isn't she cool? She'd make a _great_ sidekick! And isn't she so mysterious? It's just like when you're Batman, sir!

SMOKER: [Facepalm] Tashigi…

TASHIGI: (Flustered) Uh… oops! I'm sorry sir! She's just too mysterious and it accidentally slipped out! [Wibbles]

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) It's alright Ms. Tashigi. I'm honoured to meet Loguetown's vigilante. [Smile]

SMOKER: (Grumbling) Yeah, fine. But why Robin? She's so bloody famous! Everybody in Loguetown knows who she is!

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) With all due respect, you're not so unknown yourself, Mr. Smoker. [Smile]

SMOKER: True. [Pause] Do you always… act so…

TASHIGI: Mysterious? Sir?

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Yes. [Smile]

SMOKER: … then isn't it easy for people to find out your 'secret identity' if you become my sidekick?

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Probably. [Smile]

SMOKER: Hmm… [Thinks] Let's use reverse psychology. If we give Robin a really stupid and obvious alter ego, nobody will think it's actually stupid and obvious, and will never figure it out.

TASHIGI: Ooh, that's tricky sir!

SMOKER: I'm Batman, so Robin can be… Robin. Sure. They both fly.

TASHIGI: Wow, _nobody_ would ever think Robin is Robin! Really clever, sir!

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Alright, then I'm Robin. [Smile]

TASHIGI: … um, we already knew that, ma'am.

SMOKER: She meant the other Robin.

TASHIGI: Oh. [Pause] It's working already, sir! You're amazing!

SMOKER: Whatever. (To ROBIN / ROBIN) You up for some babysitting?


	3. Pigeons with Acne

**3. PIGEONS WITH ACNE**

**

* * *

**

[SMOKER and ACE ambling in the GALLEY-LA PARK. ROBIN sitting on a bench, reading. LUFFY chasing pigeons nearby.]

ACE: Haha, got tired of us, eh?

SMOKER: [Glare Glare Glare]

ACE: Wow, that bad huh? Well, Robin seems nice. She doesn't seem to mind Luffy much. Can actually make him act normal. More or less.

[ROBIN looks up from book. Waves to SMOKER and ACE mysteriously. Smiles.]

ACE: … is she always…?

SMOKER: Hnn.

ACE: Ah. And afterwards, does she always…?

SMOKER: Hnn.

ACE: Oh. Okay. I guess… hmm. I don't know. [Pause] Does this mean we don't get to see you anymore?

[SMOKER blanks out for a few seconds and smiles absently. A tree explodes and bursts into flames due to the horrific anomaly. ACE gets distracted by the fire and does not suffer any trauma.]

LUFFY: (To ACE) Ace, one of these pigeons can talk!

ACE: Really? What does it say?

LUFFY: Something about taking over the world! Isn't it funny?

ACE: Ooookay…

LUFFY: Heehee, now it's saying, "Puny mortal, worship my pimptasticness!" [Pause] Ace, why is the pigeon boasting about its acne?

ACE: That's "pimple", not "pimp". They're different.

LUFFY: Oh. What's a pimp?

ACE: Ask Sanji tomorrow.

LUFFY: Okay! [Resumes chasing pigeons]

[Cellphone rings. SMOKER answers it.]

SMOKER: Hello? Yes, I'm with your idiot grandsons. No, I do not like them. No, I'm not going to train them into 'strong policemen'. Why would I care if you're going to nom my brainz? You can't. They're my brainzes. Uh, I mean my brain. Brain. Yes.

[ACE stares at SMOKER weirdly.]

SMOKER: [Cough] Anyways, I found them a different babysitter. [Cringes and holds phone away from ear. Loud squabbling heard from cellphone.] Shut up. Shut up. Really, shut up. Stop talking. Shut up. Are you even listening to me? Does _anyone_ ever listen to me?

ACE: Sorry, what did you say?

SMOKER: [Glares at ACE] Portgas…

ACE: [Whistles]

SMOKER: (Into cellphone) No, I was just angry at him. No, I do not like that narcoleptic idiot.

ACE: Oi, I'm right here.

SMOKER: [Ignores ACE] Shut up. Shut up. Please. Shut up. Oh #$% this. [Hangs up]

LUFFY: (Sounding far away) Heeheehee! Oh, Mr. Pigeon, you're so funny! All your talk about assassinating the mayor! [Giggle]

ACE: Wow, that's one messed up pigeon.

SMOKER: [Tries to find something to kill himself with]

* * *

[OFFICE inside the POLICE DEPARTMENT. Lights are off. Desk lamp is turned on and angled towards the wall. GARP sitting at the desk making shadow puppets.]

GARP: (Falsetto) No, I'm too sexy to die!

[OFFICER COBY pauses outside the door. Retreats quickly.]

* * *

[Inside the KITCHEN of WAYNE MANOR. Lots of smoke in the air. Remains of coffee machine on the counter. TASHIGI flailing around.]

TASHIGI: (Flustered) Oh darn it, there goes my salary.

* * *

[MAYOR ICEBURG's BEDROOM. ICEBURG sitting in armchair, reading FRANKY's diary. Open window. Ominous wind.]

ICEBURG: Nmaa, that idiot always leaves this in the same place every time… [Flips page. Chokes.] Whoa. That was unexpected. Huh, but it's kind of sexy…

[Menacing cooing noise from windowsill. ICEBURG looks up.]

ICEBURG: … what the –

PIGEON: My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

ICEBURG: OH SHI –


	4. No Coffee Machines

**4. (NO) COFFEE MACHINES**

**

* * *

**

[Mysterious ROOFTOP. Teapot-Signal is lit. GARP once again making asinine shadow puppets.]

GARP: I'm a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle here is my spout.

[BATMAN appears]

GARP: (Falsetto) Oh, Mr. Zombie Rabbit, you naughty thing, you!

BATMAN: I'm not even going to _ask_ anymore.

GARP: (Falsetto) O Lordy, it's Batman!

BATMAN: [Clears throat] Wrong voice.

GARP: Oh right. Sorry. Gwahaha!

BATMAN: [Surreptitiously glances over side of building ] (Thoughtful) Hmm…

GARP: So! We've finally got a lead on that arsonist! Isn't that great?

BATMAN: … actually, yeah. I was dreading another babysitting call.

GARP: Well, the kids got a new babysitter that's apparently very mysterious, so you don't have to do that anymore. [Fishes around inside pocket] Anyways, our detectives found identical clues at both scenes! Take a look! [Fishes out a goldfish]

GOLDFISH: **Feed me, human!**

GARP: [Blinks] Huh. Where did that come from? [Puts back into pocket and pulls out two cards] Ah, here we go.

BATMAN: [Examines cards] Huh, they're both jokers. Looks like they're also from the same deck – they've got the same backing, and one's monochrome while the other isn't.

GARP: Right! So we don't have to worry about this mysterious fellow anymore because he ran out of Joker cards!

BATMAN: … he can just go buy another deck.

GARP: [Pause] True. Darn, that means less time for me to play with Mr. Zombie Rabbit and Ms. Magical Sugarbum.

BATMAN: Miss _what_? Okay, never mind. Forget it. You're bloody retarded. So what are we going to do with 'the Joker'?

GARP: Who?

BATMAN: The Jo – the _arsonist_.

GARP: Oh! You called the arsonist the Joker! Gwahaha, you confused me there! How did you come up with such an awesome name?

BATMAN: From the bloody _cards_ he left behind.

GARP: He did what?

BATMAN: [Stares intently at edge of building. Hyperventilates.] (Mutter) Think. Happy. Thoughts. Of. Justice. Puppies.

GARP: Oh, well, I don't know what to _do_ with the Joker yet! Gwahaha!

BATMAN: _ARGH!_

[BATMAN throws GARP off the roof. Loud audible thud. Moment of silence.]

GARP: (Distant) Gwahaha, that was fun! Let's do that again!

[BATMAN leaves to find a nice place to kill himself.]

* * *

[ICEBURG's BEDROOM. Intense silence. Epic staring contest between ICEBURG and PIGEON.]

PIGEON: I'll get you for killing my daddy! [Coos angrily]

ICEBURG: Nmaa… this is all just some bizarre misunderstanding!

PIGEON: No! I will have vengeance! [Chokes ICEBURG with its handzes]

ICEBURG: (Breathing heavily) Look… I _am_ your father…!

PIGEON: (Flabbergasted) What? No! _No!_ That _can't_ be true!

ICEBURG: Search your feelings, you _know_ it to be true!

PIGEON: Noooooooooooooo!

ICEBURG: Oh, and by the way, the cake is also a lie.

PIGEON: I HATE YOU! [Flies out window, crying.]

ICEBURG: [Sighs in relief] Nmaa, that was way too close. Back to porn! [Opens Franky's diary and starts reading again.]

* * *

[TASHIGI at the cashier of a PET STORE, talking to SALESPERSON.]

TASHIGI: Hello, miss! I'm here for a coffee machine. Can you tell me where they are?

SP: Um…

[Three dogs and a lion bark at the back of the PET STORE]

TASHIGI: Wow, I never knew you let people bring their pets here!

SP: Um, ma'am, this is a pet store.

TASHIGI: … really? Isn't this "Minions N' Things"?

SP: No ma'am, this is "Buggy's Pet Emporium Extraordinaire".

TASHIGI: Oh darn. I knew I shouldn't have lost my glasses. Sorry! Goodbye, miss!

SP: Have a nice day! [Smile]

[TASHIGI bows and turns around to leave. Trips on a squeaky toy. Crashes into and knocks over an aquarium. Sets loose a herd of sea buffalo. Chaos ensues.]

* * *

[SMOKER working at desk inside his OFFICE. TASHIGI looking for her glasses.]

TASHIGI: Sir, I found them!

SMOKER: [Looks up] That's a coffee machine.

TASHIGI: Oh. That's why it was so heavy. But now we have a coffee machine, sir! [Drops coffee machine accidentally. Coffee machine breaks.] Um, oops. Never mind, sir.

[Doorbell rings]

TASHIGI: I'll get it! [Leaves]

SMOKER: Uhh…

[Loud series of crashes and explosions. One pinging sound. TASHIGI returns a few minutes later.]

TASHIGI: Sir, it's Robin!

SMOKER: (Confused) Why is she here? Isn't she golfing today?

ACE: Um, actually… It's me, Ace.

TASHIGI: Oh darn, not again. Sorry sir! [Wibbles]

SMOKER: (Mutter) Note to self, buy Tashigi glasses before she kills herself. Or me. (Louder) Okay, why are you here, Portgas?

ACE: You left something at our apartment. [Reaches into backpack]

SMOKER: Oh. What did I forget?

ACE: These! [Pulls out a pair of fluffy bunny slippers.]

TASHIGI: [Snicker]

SMOKER: [Glare Glare Glare]

TASHIGI: Sorry, sir. I'll go now. [Exits by smashing through wall.] I'm okay!

ACE: Um.

SMOKER: Okay, _who_ said that these were mine?

ACE: Oh! Gramps told me to return these two you. [Pause] This was a prank, wasn't it?

SMOKER: Yes.

ACE: [Sigh] Well, I'll just bring these back home then…

SMOKER: Um, actually, since you went through _all_ that trouble bringing it _here_, I'll just keep them. [Cough]

ACE: [Snerk] They _are_ yours, aren't they?

SMOKER: [Glare] … yes. _Now give me my fluffy footwear_. [Takes slippers]

[Cellphone rings. ACE answers it.]

ACE: (To SMOKER) Sorry, wait a moment. (Into phone) Hello? [Pause] Marco? Hey… what? Why are you crying? What happened _now_? [Pause] Why would Blackbeard take your teddy bear? That's stupid. Anyways, how are you feeling? [Pause] Okay, I did _not_ need to hear that. [Pause] No, I don't hate you – oh geez, please stop crying. [Pause] No, I won't say it, there's somebody else here. [Pause] Oh fine… "I wuv you more than all dem butterflies and wainbows and pwetty ponies put together in a super magical yumyum cake".

SMOKER: [Dying of laughter]

ACE: [Glares at SMOKER] Shut up! [Pause] (Into phone) No, I wasn't talking to you! [Pause] No, no, I didn't mean that I didn't want to talk to you. [Pause] _Marco!_ Seriously! You need therapy! STOP CALLING ME. [Pause] (Near tears) Please stop crying…

SMOKER: Ask him how the super magical yumyum cake tastes. He might feel better.

ACE: [Kicks SMOKER's shin.] 'Kay Marco, I'll talk to Blackbeard later. [Pause] Huh? Oh, your deck of cards? Um, yeah I still have them. No, I promise I'll give them back. Really. Uh, no. I just _need_ them for another while. No, it's a secret. Okay. I pinky swear. Lalala, bye bye. [Hangs up. Sighs in relief.]

SMOKER: [Stare suspiciously at ACE]

ACE: [Looks at watch] Whoa, I should be going now. Bye Smoker! [Leaves]

SMOKER: That was weird. [Glances around furtively] Phew, I got my precious slippers back! [Puts them on tenderly]

ACE: [Opens door] AHA! I KNEW IT!

[SMOKER throws coffee machine at ACE. Coffee machine does 69 damage!]


	5. The Mad Tea Party

**5. THE MAD TEA PARTY**

* * *

[SMOKER taking a stroll in the CITY SQUARE. Cellphone rings. SMOKER answers it.]

ACE: (Screeching from phone) _BATMAN!_

SMOKER: HOLY #$%! [Almost drops phone]

ACE: Eh? Smoker?

SMOKER: Yes. Why did you think I was Batman?

ACE: Oh. Well, my gramps told me Batman's phone number, which was apparently identical to yours! Hahaha!

SMOKER: [Worries]

ACE: Oh well, I guess he gave me the wrong number!

[SMOKER thanks whoever made the Ds idiots. Somewhere far away, a GOLDFISH smiles back.]

ACE: Well, you might not be as good of a help but… (Hopeful) Can you do me a favour? Please please maybe?

SMOKER: (Suspicious) What _kind_ of a favour?

ACE: Um… [Pause] (Quickly) Gramps is making me go to his tea party!

SMOKER: (Horrified) Oh, _heck_ no! I'm not going with you!

ACE: (Sobbing) B-but, Mr. Zombie Rabbit will be there! What if he nomz my brainzes?

SMOKER: You had no brainzes to be nomzed in the first place!

[PASSERSBY stare at SMOKER oddly.]

ACE: (Hysterical) Nononononono you can't leave me all by myself nonono!

SMOKER: Take your brother with you!

ACE: Nuh uh, I can't! He got hospitalized for eating a coathanger!

SMOKER: Tough luck! You're on your own!

ACE: (Desperate) No, please! Don't abandon me! I'll do _anything!_

SMOKER: [Dirty thoughts] Anything, eh…?

ACE: YES! I'D EVEN LET YOU F—

[Sudden silence. SMOKER's cellphone beeps.]

SMOKER: Huh. Guess he fell asleep. [Moar dirty thoughts] Darn, almost got him. Well, there's always somebody else… [Smirk]

* * *

[TASHIGI meandering in the PARK.]

TASHIGI: (To tree) Excuse me sir, but can you tell me where I can find "Minions N' Things"?

SOGEKING: [Randomly appears] You can find it… in your _heart_.

TASHIGI: … I don't think that's where it –

SOGEKING: (Menacing) IT'S IN YOUR HEART.

TASHIGI: [Wibbles] B-but…!

PIGEON: It's next to "Buggy's Pet Emporium Extraordinaire", you _imbeciles_.

* * *

[HINA and SMOKER in SMOKER's BATHROOM.]

SMOKER: (Mutter) Note to self, time to act on dirty thoughts.

HINA: Hina is not happy!

SMOKER: (Growl) Dang it woman, you're too slow! Go faster!

HINA: [Scowl] Hina going as fast as she can!

SMOKER: Then try harder!

HINA: (Angry) Hina does not want to! It's _dirty_ and it _smells_ bad!

SMOKER: Too bad, you lost the bet! Now _scrub_ that toilet until even _Tashigi_ can see her face in it! SCRUB IT!

* * *

[Abandoned WAREHOUSE. Many stacks of wooden crates. TASHIGI standing in front of MOP.]

TASHIGI: Hello sir! I'm here to pick up my new glasses. I'm "Tashigi Albert Pennyworth".

MOP: …

TASHIGI: Oh, are you new here? I'm sorry, sir!

[Mysterious figure enters WAREHOUSE.]

TASHIGI: [Gasp] (Angrily) RORONOA ZORO! Gimme back my dolly, you _meanie poopface!_

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Ms. Tashigi, Mr. Wayne sent me to find you. [Smile]

TASHIGI: Oh, I'm sorry Ms. Robin! [Pause] Wait, are you _Robin_ right now, or _Robin_?

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Robin. [Smile]

TASHIGI: Ooh, I thought so. Thanks for coming to find me! [Bows to MOP]

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Alright, it's time to go. [Smile]

[TASHIGI and ROBIN exit.]

MOP: … that was one weird lady. [Shudder]

* * *

[LOGUETOWN HOSPITAL. Very white room. LUFFY staring incredulously at DOCTOR.]

LUFFY: N-no! You must be kidding!

DOCTOR: (Apologetic) I'm sorry, but you can't eat meat for the next two months.

LUFFY: B-but… I thought the coathanger would_ fix_ my tummy aches! [Wails]

* * *

[SMOKER pacing outside of APARTMENT.]

SMOKER: (Mutter) Why am I here? I really _shouldn't_ be… yeah. Portgas will be fine on his own. [Prepares to leave]

[Shriek of absolute terror from inside APARTMENT. Ominous laughter. Drumming noises.]

SMOKER: (Mildly alarmed) Portgas? [Opens door]

[GARP dressed as the Energizer Bunny and looming over ACE. ACE dressed (only) in frilly pink apron, cowering on the floor. SMOKER's eyes bleed.]

SMOKER: (Traumatized) #$% #$% #$% #$% $#% #$% IT HURTS IT _HURTS_.

ACE: (Emotional) Smoker, my saviour! [Bursts into tears. Glomps SMOKER.]

SMOKER: GET AWAY GET AWAY. [Accidentally looks at ACE again.] AGH! [Claws face]

ACE: (Concerned) Oi, don't do that to your face! [Stops SMOKER's self-mutilation]

GARP: Gwahaha! Look Ms. Magical Sugarbum, now I have _two_ brainzes to nomz nao! [Acts pedophilic]

ACE: (Squeaky) STAY AWAY! [Tries to hide behind SMOKER]

SMOKER: In the name of Justice, _put on some pants._

GARP: BRAINZES!

[SMOKER beats GARP on the head with the bass drum mallets. GARP falls unconscious. Bass drum breaks.]

ACE: [Sniffle] Thank you…

SMOKER: If _this_ is how _all_ of Garp's tea parties end up, I'm _never ever attending one again._ And you aren't either. [Pause] Why is your butt sparkly?

ACE: (Wibbling) B-because I had to be Ms. Magical _Sugar_bum! [Cries hysterically from trauma]

SMOKER: [Thinks. Gags.] URK. EW. [Disinfects brain] … okay. Go get some pants. And then we'll burn the apron.

ACE: [Stops crying] Sweet! [Sets apron on fire]

SMOKER: YOU #$%ING IDIOT, NOT WHILE YOU'RE STILL IN IT!

ACE: OUCH OUCH OUCH! But it's pretty! OUCH!

[SMOKER tries to extinguish fire. ACE is highly uncooperative and gets mad at SMOKER for trying to extinguish a pretty fire. SMOKER compromises by letting ACE watch the apron burn after he takes it off.]

GARP: [Wakes up. Misinterprets strange situation.] NO, MS. MAGICAL SUGARBUM! HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH SMOKER WAYNE? [Bawls]

ACE: (Distracted) Hmm? [Pause] Oh #$% I'm naked.

[SMOKER emos and then leaps out the window in frustration.]

ACE: (Embarassed) Aw crud, I can't believe I just _stood_ there watching that _really pretty fire_ without any clothes on… OH #$% THIS IS THE #$%ING THIRTEENTH #$%ING STOREY. [Runs out of apartment to see if SMOKER is okay.]

GARP: (Mournfully) At least _you_ still love me. [Pets the GOLDFISH]

GOLDFISH: **Someday I will smite you!**


	6. Calling Card? Bad Idea

**6. CALLING CARD? BAD IDEA.**

* * *

[Inside POLICE DEPARTMENT. OFFICER COBY and OFFICER HELMEPPO inside GARP'S OFFICE. Lights are off. Music from 'The Nutcracker' playing in background. GARP enters. COBY and HELMEPPO cower.]

GARP: (Bellowing) Because my idiot grandson eloped his ex-babysitter –

HELMEPPO: Wait, _what?_

COBY: _No, not Luffy!_ [Sob]

GARP: Yeah, it wasn't him.

COBY: Oh, phew.

HELMEPPO: Wait, _what?_

GARP: (Continues) Because of Ace's treason, I can't write my ballet. So we are now holding auditions for who will become the new Sugarbum Fairy!

[Silence]

HELMEPPO: Wait, _what?_

COBY: Um sir, I believe it's "Sugar_plum_ Fairy", not, uh, "Sugar_bum_".

GARP: _Silence!_ You will both audition immediately! And whoever does _not_ get the part will have to attend all future tea parties.

[Mortal Kombat ensues.]

* * *

[Inside MINIONS N' THINGS. Pile of broken coffee machines. Angry salespeople crowding around. TASHIGI on the floor.]

TASHIGI: Oh bugger. [Wibble]

* * *

[Abandoned WAREHOUSE. MOP leaning against a wooden crate. Door opens suddenly.]

MOP: Welcome, master. [Bows respectfully] How was your journey?

GOLDFISH: (Scornful) **Bah! Too many weaklings. Despicable.** [Spits on the ground]

MOP: I'm sorry to hear your trip was unpleasant. Have you found any prospective recruits?

GOLDFISH: **Yes**. In fact, a few of them. They're all deranged, but I should be able to make use of them.

MOP: Wonderful! Now… where did we leave off last time…?

GOLDFISH: **I was about to #$% you over.**

MOP: (Aghast) I beg to differ!

GOLDFISH: [Grin wickedly] **Try and resist, puny cleaning tool!**

[MOP and GOLDFISH engage in a passionate round of chess.]

* * *

[CITY HALL. ICEBURG, PAULIE, and KALIFA inside OFFICE. Something whizzes past window.]

ICEBURG: What was _that?_

PAULIE: Is it a bird?

KALIFA: It's sexual harassment.

PAULIE: Is it a plane?

KALIFA: It's sexual harassment.

PAULIE: Shut up, woman!

KALIFA: _That's_ sexual harassment!

[FRANKY crashes through window and lands inside OFFICE.]

FRANKY: (Loud) No, it's SUPERman! [Poses in his sea panties and fluttering cape.]

[Silence]

ICEBURG: Kalifa wins.

* * *

[Outside of NATIONAL LOGUETOWN MUSEUM OF STRONG POLICE. Nighttime. Very quiet. Unknown figure (?) standing nearby.]

?: [Cackle] Once I raze this wretched building down to the ground, I will finally be free!11111oneone111!iiiii

[Batmobile screeches to a stop in front of ? and BATMAN climbs out.]

BATMAN: Halt, in the name of the law!

?: (Amused) Man, that was pretty lame.

BATMAN: Shut up, you interrupted me in the middle of my soap opera. [Glare Glare Glare]

?: Wow, you have issues. Can't we just get along?

BATMAN: No. I don't compromise with the likes of you, Joker.

JOKER: [Laugh] Well, get out of the way. I'm gonna _burn things_ now.

BATMAN: I won't let you.

JOKER: Oh, you _jokester_. There's no way you can stop me! [Brandishes lighter. Laughs maniacally.]

BATMAN: Oh yes there is! [Takes JOKER's lighter]

JOKER: Well the _joke_ is on you, because there are plenty more where that came from!

[JOKER takes out lighter. BATMAN takes away lighter. Repeat.]

BATMAN: This is getting stupid.

JOKER: Yeah, can we stop _clowning_ around now? I WANT TO SET SOMETHING ON FIRE. [Wibble]

BATMAN: [Pause] … _PORTGAS?_

JOKER: … WHO'S THAT LALALA.

BATMAN: [Facepalm] Why didn't I realize _earlier_ that it was you? It's so obvious!

JOKER: ME NO PORTGAS.

BATMAN: Stop it.

JOKER: WHAT? ME NO SPEAK ENGLISH.

BATMAN: Don't be stupid, you were just talking to me!

JOKER: ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME.

BATMAN: Stop #$%ing around, Portgas! What are you _doing_ as the Joker?

JOKER: I'm not Portgas. Please stop _joking_ around.

BATMAN: Okay, stop making those stupid puns already.

JOKER: Why so serious? I'll just keep playing the _fool_. I haven't even reached the _punchline_.

[BATMAN punches JOKER.]

JOKER: _Hypocrisy!_

BATMAN: Shut up. Just… don't set the museum on fire and I'll let you go.

JOKER: … really?

BATMAN: _Maybe_. If you confess that you're actually Portgas D. Ace.

JOKER: … alright. How'd you know it was me?

BATMAN: It was terribly obvious. Firstly, you're a complete pyromaniac.

JOKER: Am not!

[BATMAN raises an eyebrow. Lights one of many confiscated lighters. Waves it around. Watches in amusement as JOKER keeps looking at the pretty fire.]

JoKER: … oh fine. [Pout]

BATMAN: [Smirk] Anyways, the next clue was that all the museums you've already burnt plus this one which you haven't yet all have to do with Garp in some way. Also, you were being highly suspicious when Luffy called you a joker, and when Marco called you about his deck of cards.

JOKER: I see… wait, _hang on a minute_. (Suspicious) How did you know about the last two things?

BATMAN: (Hastily) Uh… Justice-powers?

JOKER: Oh. Okay. Any more points?

BATMAN: Yeah, one more. You ran out of Joker cards to use from Marco's deck. So you just left a different card for this museum.

JOKER: How is that a clue?

BATMAN: … you left behind an _ace_.

JOKER: [Pause] Whoops, that was a dumb idea.

BATMAN: [Facepalm] Right. I'm going home now. [Gets into Batmobile]

[Two knocks on tinted window]

BATMAN: (Startled) Who's there?

JOKER: (Outside Batmobile) [Snicker] Oh Batty, you complete me. Nice pun, by the way.

BATMAN: … #$% you.


	7. Everything is Edible

**7. EVERYTHING IS EDIBLE**

* * *

[Inside LOGUETOWN HOSPITAL. LUFFY, ROBIN, and SMOKER inside room.]

LUFFY: Meat! [Wails]

SMOKER: (Angsty) Why am I stuck here in the same room as him?

LUFFY: Oh, hi Smokey! Didn't notice you there.

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) He's been here since the day before yesterday. [Smile]

LUFFY: Really?

[SMOKER tries to strangle himself with an IV stand.]

LUFFY: Hey that looks fun! But not as fun as meat. [Pout] Has it been two months yet?

[ROBIN mysteriously drugs LUFFY and smiles when he falls asleep.]

SMOKER: [Stops self-choking] Thanks.

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) You're welcome. [Smile]

SMOKER: (Grumbling) Why do I have to be in the hospital? I'm not hurt. The IV isn't even _doing_ anything. It's just pumping random stu – wait, what IS this stuff anyways?

[ROBIN mysteriously smiles.]

SMOKER: … never mind. But why am I in here? I should be upholding Justice!

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) You jumped out of Mr. Portgas' apartment on the thirteenth floor. People expect you to be either hospitalized or in a coffin after something like that. [Smile]

SMOKER: (Grumbling) Yeah, I get _that_, but do I really need all of this crap? [Gestures vaguely at leg casts and copious bandaging around random areas.] And why couldn't my robot Snoker just continue standing in for me like it had been for the past few days?

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Mr. Portgas was becoming disconcerted by Snoker's glowing eyes and the random flashing light on its antenna. [Smile]

SMOKER: Good point. [Sigh]

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) In a couple of days you will be released from the hospital. As long as 'Smoker Wayne' remains home for another month or so, 'Batman' can continue upholding Justice. [Smile]

[ACE enters room.]

ACE: [Looks surprised] Smoker! How are you doing? Oh, and hello Ms. Robin. [Bow]

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Hello, Ace. [Smile]

SMOKER: I was fine before you came in. Don't you have something better to do than annoy me with your presence?

ACE: [Giggle] Well, yeah, duh! I was visiting Luffy!

SMOKER: Oh.

ACE: But you're looking a lot better today! You're not glowing _anywhere!_

SMOKER: [Blink] Right.

ACE: I'm sorry for freaking you out a few days ago and accidentally making you jump out the conveniently open window… [Wibble]

SMOKER: Hnn.

ACE: Those ambulances are _fast_. I mean, sure, I got stopped on the seventh floor by some blonde lady with glasses that beat me with her purse while yelling "That's sexual harassment!", forcing me to go find some pants somewhere… but by the time I got to the front of the building, you were already gone!

SMOKER: Yeah, it's not like I flew all the way back to my mansion with a super secret hang glider or anything like that.

[ROBIN mysteriously kicks SMOKER who glares at her. ROBIN smiles.]

ACE: Yeah, that'd be silly. [Laugh] Anyways, feel better soon, m'kay? I've gotta go to work soon. Goodbye! [Exits]

SMOKER: [Sigh] Glad he's gone now… [Attempts to move.] Eh? What the… I can't feel my arms _or_ my legs… and I'm feeling the strange urge to start singing a song about being shirtlessly sexy. [Stares suspiciously at IV then at ROBIN.]

ROBIN: (Mysteriously) Well, farewell, Mr. Wayne. [Smile]

SMOKER: _Wait a minute!_

[ROBIN leaves. LUFFY wakes up.]

LUFFY: (Wailing) Meeeeaaaat! [Pause] Wait a sec, _people_ are meat…

SMOKER: OH SHI - !

* * *

[At DRUM OPTICAL, glasses store. TASHIGI at counter with OPTICIAN.]

OPTICIAN: Here you go, miss. [Hands TASHIGI new glasses.]

TASHIGI: [Wears them] Oh, glorious vision! Thank you, thank you! [Bows fervently]

OPTICIAN: You're very welcome.

TASHIGI: Now I can polish my sword without accidentally killing somebody this time! [Exits joyfully]

OPTICIAN: Umm…


	8. Magical Yumyum Cake

**8. MAGICAL YUMYUM CAKE**

* * *

[Inside ACE'S BEDROOM. ACE on bed, asleep. Clock says "4:16 am". Cellphone rings.]

ACE: [Wakes up] NOT THE APRON! [Blink] Oh… who'd call this early… except… [Answers phone] (Apprehensively) Hello…?

MARCO: (From phone) AAAAAAAAACE. [Cries]

ACE: W-what? Marco? What's wrong _now?_

[MARCO wails incomprehensively.]

ACE: [Groan] Dude, this is the ninth time this week…

MARCO: (Sobbing) I'm sorry Ace I didn't mean to bother you but I really really couldn't sleep because I just can't I just can't sleep so I called you which is bothersome and I didn't mean to be a bother I'm really sorry but I couldn't sleep so I called and bothered you –

ACE: [Blinking sleepily] (Tired) Marco, I have no idea what the heck you're saying…

MARCO: (Still going) – because Teach took my teddy bear and you know how I just can't fall asleep without my precious teddy bear I just can't you know yeah you know I know you know so you know I can't sleep because Teach took my teddy bear which I use for sleeping which I don't have now so I can't sleep so now I called you and you know –

ACE: [Yawn] Shut up please…

MARCO: (Still going) – such a freaky dude with all his weird laughter and always talking about darkness instead of happy things like ballet and magical yumyum cakes and my precious teddy bear which I can't sleep without and you know that I know you know about my teddy bear and –

[ACE hangs up and falls back asleep. Cellphone rings a minute later. ACE wakes up and answers.]

MARCO: (Still going) – sorry I'm being such a bother about Teach and my teddy bear and how I can't sleep because Teach took my teddy bear but why did you hang up on me why are you angry why can't you just listen it's not that hard you know and I know you know that it's not hard and also that I know you know I know you know I know you know about my teddy which I need to sleep with because you know I can't sleep without my –

ACE: (Tense) Marco. Marco? Marco! You need to _breathe._

MARCO: (Still going) – thought you loved me too because you were always so nice to me okay well not really but still I loved you back um not back since now you're saying you never loved me in the first place whatever I totally loved you and also my teddy which I need in order to sleep –

[ACE screams into his pillow.]

MARCO: (Still going) – now you're yelling at me if I had known you hated me I wouldn't have had to shed so many tears over all the times you yelled at me like now you know but now I know you hate me which hurts but it doesn't hurt as much if you yelled in love or like Teach taking my –

ACE: (Angry) MARCO SHUT UP I NEED TO SLEEP. I'm serious!

MARCO: (_Still_ going) – but you know I don't know why you hate me Ace because I really did love you you know I still love you so why do you hate me Ace _why don't you love me Ace why –_

[ACE throws cellphone out window. Screams of pain. ACE, surprised, gets out of bed to investigate. Opens the door to balcony.]

MARCO: [Clutching eye] (_Still going_) – and ACE HOW COULD YOU _DO_ THIS? [Wails loudly]

ACE: (Shocked) You were outside on the freaking balcony _the entire time?_

MARCO: I c-couldn't sleep you know because Teach took –

ACE: [Shoves convenient potted plant into MARCO's mouth to shut him up.] Okay. Tell you what… [Breathes deeply] You can use me as a teddy bear, just for tonight if you stop calling me. [Sees MARCO about to ramble again.] LIMITED TIME OFFER.

MARCO: [Eats pot] HURRAY! [Latches onto ACE.]

ACE: Urgh… [Drags MARCO back to bed.]

MARCO: (Cheerful) Aww thanks Ace you're such a pal and I still love you even after you threw your phone into my eye and –

[ACE gags MARCO and tries to sleep.]

* * *

[Inside abandoned WAREHOUSE. GOLDFISH and MOP seated at table dimly illuminated by a light bulb hanging from the ceiling. Playing cards.]

MOP: … go fish.

GOLDFISH: **Mutiny!**

* * *

[Inside ACE'S BEDROOM. Morning. ACE and MARCO sleeping in bed. Alarm clock rings. ACE slowly wakes up.]

ACE: [Moan] Oww… you're heavy… get off me. Now.

MARCO: (Mumble) You're my magical yumyum cake… [Squeezes ACE.]

[ACE faints.]

* * *

[Inside WAYNE MANOR. TASHIGI inside her BEDROOM.]

TASHIGI: Hurray for polishing swords! [Smile]

[TASHIGI lifts sword for further inspection. Accidentally throws it out of window. Sound of breaking glass. Car tires screeching. Explosions. Sirens wailing. Cloud of black smoke rises.]

TASHIGI: Oops.

* * *

[Inside a room of LOGUETOWN HOSPITAL. LUFFY sprinkling salt and pepper onto SMOKER who is still incapable of moving.]

SMOKER: (Panicked) SOMEBODY HELP ME.

LUFFY: Mmm… meat… [Drool]

SMOKER: AAAAAAGH. [Squirms futilely]

[ACE bursts into room. Jaw drops open in shock.]

ACE: Luffy? What are you doing?

LUFFY: Meat! [Points to Smoker]

ACE: No, bad Luffy! No matter how delicious he looks, you must resist the urge to eat him!

LUFFY: But he looks tasty! [Wibble]

SMOKER: … that sounds a little strange…

[Cellphone rings. ACE smashes his phone into little pieces.]

SMOKER: Uh… that was _my_ phone. [Tries to answer phone in pocket. Fails.]

ACE: I'll get it for you. [Pushes LUFFY out of the way and takes SMOKER's cellphone.] Hello?

VOICE: AAAAAACE WHY ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME? [Wails]

ACE: [Drops phone. Shrieks.] HE'S EVERYWHERE! [Runs out of room screaming.]

[Silence]

LUFFY: MEAT!

[SMOKER screams in terror.]

* * *

[Inside GARP'S OFFICE with GARP, COBY and HELMEPPO.]

GARP: The results are in!

[COBY and HELMEPPO fidget anxiously.]

GARP: Coby's going to be the Sugarbum Fairy, and Helmeppo is sentenced to all future tea parties! Dismissed! [Leaves]

HELMEPPO: [In grass skirt] Wait, _what?_

COBY: [In tutu] I'm not sure if I should be happy or not.

* * *

[Inside of WHITEBEARD'S fastfood restaurant. MARCO behind cash register. JOZU flipping burgers. BLACKBEARD (BB) mopping the floor. ACE enters.]

ACE: Hey guys!

[Silence]

ACE: You're no fun. [Goes behind counter and dons an apron.] (To Marco) How's it going?

MARCO: [Sniff] I hate my life.

ACE: Yeah, everybody does. It's okay. [Whistles cheerfully and mans other cash register.]

BB: (Accented) ZEHAHAHA! Ah ahm DAHKNESS!

ACE: Is he going into his weird Goth phase again?

[JOZU nods and continues flipping burgers]

MARCO: [Randomly bursts into tears] MR. FLUFFYKINS!

ACE: [Jumps] #$%, man! What was _that_ for?

JOZU: He's still moping about his teddy bear. [Juggles spatulas]

ACE: Oh. Right. [Shudder]

[MARCO weeps loudly and blows his nose on ACE's apron.]

ACE: Ew, _gross!_ [Swats MARCO away.]

MARCO: _Ace, why do you hate me?_ [Cries]

ACE: [Ignores MARCO] Oi, Teach! Just return the stupid teddy bear so Marco will stop stalking me on the phone!

MARCO: B-but I can't help it! I c-can't sleep without Mr. Fluffykins!

BB: ZEHAHAHAHA! Baht ah mahst possahs za cyoot ickle taddey bar ahnd fyail aht wahth DAHKNESS!

ACE: For Pete's sake, speak _normally_. People have no idea what the heck you're saying.

MARCO: [Sniff] I knew somebody named Pete. He died. [Wails]

[JOZU chucks burger at MARCO. MARCO screams in terror and then cries more.]

ACE: (Exasperated) Teach, give it back to him. Unharmed.

BB: Mah nayum's nawt Teeyech!

ACE: Fine, _Blackbeard_. Are you satisfied now?

BB: NAOH!

MARCO: Sodium hydroxide?

[Everyone ignores MARCO, who cries again because he's being ignored.]

BB: Mah nayum's nawt Teeyech _oar_ Bleeyackbeeyurd!

ACE: [Snerk] I bet it isn't.

BB: [Glare] Ah ahm… [Pauses dramatically] _Mahjehcull Dahkness Sheycheybookah Bachshtabbah-chann!_

[Silence]

ACE: … Magical Darkness Shichibukai Backstabber-chan?

BB: Yeass, zaht's raht! ZEHAHAHAHAHA! [Brandishes mop]

MARCO: But what about Mr. Fluffykins? [Bawls]

ACE: ARGH! And you _wonder_ why we never have any customers!

JOZU: Sorry, what'd you say man? [Stops sticking French Fries up his nose.]

[ACE smashes head repeatedly on cash register.]

BB: Oops, ah fahrtid.

[ACE shrieks.]


	9. Babel Babble

**9. BABEL BABBLE**

* * *

[Inside WAYNE MANOR. SMOKER lying on the sofa. TASHIGI enters with ACE.]

TASHIGI: Sir, Ace is here visiting! I'll give you guys some privacy. [Bows. Exits. Crashing sounds.]

ACE: [Sits in an armchair] … whoa, you don't look so good.

SMOKER: [Glare Glare Glare] Of _course_ not, you _twit_.

ACE: Hey!

SMOKER: You _are_ a twit! You left me – _alone_ – with _your brother_. Twit.

ACE: (Guilty) I'm really sorry, man! Marco really freaked me out. I shouldn't have ditched you though. [Stares contemplatively at SMOKER] Golly, Luffy's got a great set of chompers. Lookit those freaky bite ma –

SMOKER: [Growl] Shut your face, Portgas.

ACE: [Grin] How 'bout you shut it for me?

[SMOKER throws cushion at ACE]

ACE: Oi! I was just kidding! Buuuut… I left Luffy with Ms. Robin, so he won't be trying to eat you again during his two-month meat-ban. Even though you allegedly taste yummy.

SMOKER: Uh… never mind. Good. [Grumble]

ACE: Those look kind of painful. [Pokes SMOKER's neck]

SMOKER: _Ow!_ [Glare Glare Glare]

ACE: Sorry. Just wanted to assess the damage.

SMOKER: I had to get bloody _stitches_. You and your brother are insane. And your grandfather is insane too.

ACE: [Wince] Umm… yeah, it'd also be a good idea if you stayed away from Garp for the next while…

SMOKER: You mean more so than usual?

ACE: Yeah. Well, because he's still a little touchy about the 'incident'. [Cough] Okay, more than just a little touchy, since he nearly killed me yesterday by throwing a bowling ball at me, but just stay away from him.

SMOKER: As long as he doesn't come here, I'll be fine. I still can't really move.

ACE: Oh… huh, Robin sure is sneaky… [Pause] Wait, if you can't move, how did you throw a cushion at me?

SMOKER: Magic.

ACE: Ohh… cool! That's really nifty!

SMOKER: Hey, you know what else is nifty?

ACE: (Excited) What? What?

SMOKER: You're an idiot!

ACE: Nifty! [Pause] Hey! That's mean!

SMOKER: Get out.

ACE: Oh fine.

* * *

[Inside SMOKER's BEDROOM. TASHIGI enters and begins talking with SMOKER.]

TASHIGI: Sir, here are some pain killers! [Gives SMOKER a bottle.]

SMOKER: Huh. Well, okay. I'll take some a bit later. You're dismissed.

[TASHIGI makes an epic exit.]

* * *

[ROOFTOP of MYSTERIOUS BUILDING. GARP muttering darkly. Teapot-Signal lit.]

GARP: (Mutter) Those no-good scoundrel grandsons… especially that traitor, Ace…!

[BATMAN hobbles onto the roof.]

GARP: But soon I will have my revenge! Gwahahaha!

BATMAN: Sir, you're on the side of Justice. Friendly reminder.

GARP: (Annoyed) Oh, #$% Justice!

BATMAN: (Appalled) Oh no you di'int! [Snaps fingers obnoxiously]

[Silence]

BATMAN: Sorry, I'm on medication right now. [Coughs uncomfortably]

GARP: Oh, okay! Gwahahaha!

BATMAN: So, what now, sexy? [Pause] MEDICATION.

GARP: Right… Well, there's another guy popping up around town.

BATMAN: Nifty!

GARP: [Ignores disturbing side-effects of 'medication'] The men down at the precinct have dubbed him Two-Face, just so you know.

BATMAN: Golly, what a superlative nickname! What's this ickle bugger done? [Smile]

GARP: Uh, in my humble opinion, you should lay off that 'medication' of yours…

BATMAN: That idea sounds dandy! [Throws pill bottle off building]

GARP: Moving on, this Two-Face fellow hasn't really done anything _too_ bad…

BATMAN: Alors, quel est la problème, monsieur?

GARP: Stop using weird foreign words!

BATMAN: (français) OBJECTION!

GARP: I said stop!

BATMAN: (English) OBJECTION!

GARP: Good batty, _good_ batty! [Clears throat] Two-Face has mainly been sending strange notes to people.

BATMAN: That's what she said!

GARP: Sir!

BATMAN: 對不起。

GARP: (Mutter) Crazy pharmacists… (Louder) Anyways, here's an example of one of them, sent to me. [Gives BATMAN a mysterious note.]

BATMAN: (Reading out loud) "Dear Garp, you suck." [Pause] That's harsh. Anyways… "You are extremely scary and… you like tea too much for your own good. This is why you…" Uh… [Cough] "This is why you don't get laid. That being said… have a penny?" What the #$%? (Rant) Why do I have to deal with so many psychos? First I have to cope with your nutcase family, and Tashigi's clumsiness, and then Joker's antics, and I'm getting fed up with these things, spécialement Portgas et son comportement bizarre! Et Luffy! _Il m'a mordu!_ Toutes les personnes dans sa famille sont _folles_, monsieur Garp! _C'est ridicule!_

GARP: I have no idea what you just said.

BATMAN: I don't either.

GARP: Do you think you'll be able to find this weirdo?

BATMAN: Ayup, ayup. ARGH! [Slaps himself] Anyways, those smiley faces in his signature look vaguely familiar…

GARP: Sure. Well, good luck!

BATMAN: Dziękuję pani! Do widzenia! [Jumps off building.]

GARP: Uh…

BATMAN: _Ow._ (Distant) Note to self… when unable to function properly due to mysterious drugs, use the stairs.

GARP: (Shout) Or an elevator! Gwahahaha!

* * *

[Abandoned WAREHOUSE. Dark ominous atmosphere.]

GOLDFISH: **Enter.**

[PIGEON enters.]

GOLDFISH: Your name.

PIGEON: Inigo Montoya, or Hattori for short.

GOLDFISH: Why are you here?

PIGEON: For vengeance, master! [Coos angrily]

GOLDFISH: **Good answer.** [Cackles evilly]

* * *

[Inside ICEBURG'S OFFICE]

ICEBURG: [Shudder] Nmaa…

FRANKY: What happened, Bakaburg? Too cold?

ICEBURG: No… I just had a weird feeling… like somebody's trying to kill me… again.

FRANKY: SUPER!

* * *

[At WHITEBEARD'S fastfood restaurant.]

ACE: (To customer) Here you go, ma'am! One Striker Salad to go!

CUSTOMER: Thank you! [Exit]

ACE: [Sigh] Man, I _hate_ this job…

BB: Ah dew naht mahnd tahken aht frahm yew…

ACE: Pardon?

BB: Nehvah mahnd… ZEHAHAHAHAHA!

MARCO: [Bursts out of the fridge and tackles ACE] _Aaaaaaaace!_

ACE: [Groan] Yes, Marco?

MARCO: [Blink] I don't know. [Giggles]

ACE: Good for you. (Yell) Oi, Jozu! Can you watch Mar – uh, the cash register for me? I need to pee.

MARCO: Can I come too?

ACE: Uhh… _no._ Stay here.

MARCO: [Wail] BUT I'LL BE LONELY! [Grabs ACE's leg]

ACE: I have to pee! Let go, dude! Please! [Shakes leg in vain]

MARCO: _Whyyyyy?_ [Cries]

ACE: _I need to pee!_ Oh screw this. [Runs to BATHROM with MARCO still attached.] (Through door) Ahhh… Wait, what are you doing? Get away! AHH!

[JOZU and BB stare at the door. ACE screaming. MARCO giggles suspiciously. Lots of banging noises.]

BB: [Blinks] Ah… dahz ez kahnd ahf ahwkwerd…

ACE: (Through door) _Marcoooo! GET OFF!_

JOZU: Let's just pretend we didn't hear anything.

BB: Gudd ahdeyah.

* * *

[WAYNE MANOR. ACE enters SMOKER'S BEDROOM.]

ACE: (Tired) Hey, Smok – _egad!_ [Jaw drops] What _happened_ to you?

SMOKER: [Blink] I should be asking _you_ that!

ACE: You first, please. [Flops onto foot of bed. Groans.]

SMOKER: I jumped off a building. Again.

ACE: That's not healthy, man… Hey, your bed's pretty comfy.

SMOKER: Portgas, get off.

ACE: Noooo…

SMOKER: Portgas, fiche-moi la paix!

ACE: Wait, what ?

SMOKER: Medication. It makes me _woohahahaooohooo!_ [Nods sagely]

ACE: (Afraid) Right…

SMOKER: [Sigh] So, what happened to you? [Drinks water]

ACE: [Blush] Uh, Marco assaulted me in the bathroom.

SMOKER: [Choke] _What?_

ACE: [Pause] NO NO NO NOT _THAT_ WAY. By 'assaulted', I mean 'attacked', as in he tried to tie me up with toilet paper so that – actually, I'm not sure why. Why would he tie me up?

[SMOKER spits water.]

ACE: Huh. Weird. But it was very difficult dodging him in that teeny little bathroom without my pants on properly.

SMOKER: [Spits out more water] Portgas, too much info. Really.

ACE: (Ramble) I kept running into things. That's why I've got bruises _everywhere_. Did I mention your bed is comfy? [Sighs in contentment]

SMOKER: Yes, and I also told you to get off! [Glare Glare Glare]

ACE: Don't make meeeeeee…

SMOKER: Get your deliciously sexy behind off my mattress, Acey-poo!

ACE: … I'm scared. [Whimper]

SMOKER: Sorry. Medication. [Eye twitches] Why do you keep bothering _me_, anyways?

ACE: Because I'm a loser with no friends. [Pause] Well, that's not entirely accurate… but my friends are a giant that collects spatulas for fun, a weird magical-girl-wannabe with an incomprehensible accent who is obsessed with darkness, and a certain somebody that recently 'assaulted' me in a public washroom because I am allegedly his magical yumyum cake. [Wibble]

SMOKER: Portgas?

ACE: Yes?

SMOKER: Your life sucks as much as mine does.

ACE: _Tell_ me about it. [Pause] Does this mean I get to stay on your comfy bed?

SMOKER: _Einspruch!_


	10. Manly Burgers

**10. MANLY BURGERS**

* * *

[In GALLEY-LA PARK. TASHIGI sitting on a bench, holding an envelope.]

TASHIGI: Oh, I wonder what this is… [Opens envelope. Reads letter out loud.] "Dear Tashigi, I think you're a great – prison? No wait, person - but you really need to get… classes? Oh, _glasses_. You can be very… um…" [Squint] Ah. "Scary sometimes." [Pause] Huh. No signature. Aww, what cute smiley faces!

[TASHIGI gets up to leave. Trips on a weed. Runs into a tree.]

TASHIGI: Ouch…

SOGEKING: [Appearing randomly] You should've looked inside your heart.

* * *

[Inside POLICESTATION.]

GARP: Now listen here! I present to you, _my_ ballet instructor!

BON CLAY: Bonjour! [Pirouettes]

COBY: _Ack!_

GARP: Starting from today, Mr. 2 will be teaching you how to dance!

HELMEPPO: Wait, _what?_

BON CLAY: This ain't no joke! [Laughs]

GARP: Right you are, Mr. 2! Gwahahaha!

COBY: Sir! Why does Helmeppo have to suffer too? He's not the Sugarbum fairy!

BON CLAY: What a beautiful friendship. [Sniff]

COBY: Shut up, you!

GARP: Gwahahaha! Helmeppo is your understudy!

HELMEPPO: Wait, _what?_

GARP: Anyways, we should start, eh?

BON CLAY: Oui, monsieur!

GARP: Then I'll leave you to it, Mr. 2! [Exits]

BON CLAY: Mes élèves! The only way to be successful in ballet is to follow the Okama Way! As-tu compris?

HELMEPPO: Wait, _what?_

BON CLAY: Now repeat after me: Un, deux, ORAAAA! _OH COME MY WAAAAAAY!_

COBY: … We're doomed.

* * *

[Inside SMOKER'S BEDROOM. TASHIGI enters clumsily.]

TASHIGI: Sir, you've received a letter!

SMOKER: Hnn.

[TASHIGI accidentally slits SMOKER's wrist with envelope.]

SMOKER: Argh!

TASHIGI: Egad! Don't worry sir, I'll get a Band-Aid!

SMOKER: No, no, just… just leave. [Unwraps random bandage off his neck and puts it on his wrist. Reduce, reuse, and recycle!]

TASHIGI: Yes sir, sorry sir! [Exits through wall.]

SMOKER: [Sigh] Let's see what this says… [Opens envelope] "Dear Mr. Wayne, I am concerned about your… unnatural behaviour. I advise you to go to a different pharmacist?" What! Stupid Two-Face, _je ne suis pas fou!_

* * *

[WHITEBEARD'S fastfood restaurant. ACE enters and prepares for work.]

ACE: G'morning… [Yawn]

JOZU: Ace, it's almost four in the afternoon.

ACE: [Blink] Really?

JOZU: Yes. [Twirls spatula.]

ACE: I see… (Suspicious) It's quiet… _too_ quiet…

MARCO: [Bursts out of refrigerator] AAAAAAAAACE!

ACE: (Enlightened) Ah, no wonder it was quiet. [Screams in terror]

MARCO: _Hi Ace!_ [Grin]

ACE: (Strained) Marco… you're crushing me…

MARCO: [Gasp] You have a crush on me? [Squeals]

ACE: Wait, what? _No!_ Now get off!

[MARCO cries]

ACE: [Sigh] Why do you always go in there, anyways?

BB: Ahpairuntleh aht'z nahs ahn thahr.

ACE: Pardon?

BB: Nehvah mahnd, ambahsahl…

ACE: Pardon?

BB: Ahwsahm, ah cahn sahy wahtevah ah wahnt tew ahnd yew wahn't ahndahstahnd mah.

ACE: Pardon? Ah, whatever. [Goes to close fridge]

BB: ZEHAHAHAHAHA! Gas wahtt? Ah kahlled Thahtch ahnd naoh wahn wail evah fahnd awt! [Laughs maniacally]

ACE: _Oh!_ I get it now. [Laughs] Blackbeard, you and your silly jokes… killing Thatch, pfft!

[THATCH's body falls out of the fridge and lands on ACE.]

BB: Dahyum.

ACE: _!_ [Flings corpse off of himself.] W-what was Thatch _doing_ in there? [Spins around to stare at BB] _Blackbeard!_

[BB inching away slowly]

ACE: He's escaping! Someone get him!

[JOZU throws a boomespatularang into BB's head. BB collapses near the exit, unconscious.]

MARCO: Ah! Thatch died! [Wail]

ACE: Poor guy…

[MARCO cries]

JOZU: Yeah, I just called the old man. He'll be here soon. I'll take care of Blackbeard. [Flips BB into backroom with mega-spatula. Exits.]

ACE: Wait a minute, Marco… you were in the fridge! Why didn't you notice him earlier? How the heck did you not notice a dead body in the same refrigerator as you?

MARCO: Don't get angry, you and Jozu use it too… [Sniffles]

ACE: Yeah, but we don't go _inside_ of it.

MARCO: I just thought he was another ingredient for the Manly Burgers! [Wibble]

ACE: _How?_

MARCO: (Contemplatively) Well, it looked exactly like all the other things in there!

ACE: _Erk._ [Throws up]


	11. Drive, Not Sex Drive

**11. DRIVE, NOT SEX DRIVE**

* * *

[LUFFY and ZORO standing outside ACE'S BEDROOM door. ACE and SMOKER inside.]

ZORO: So your brother's here, right?

LUFFY: Yup! Oh, and Mr. Smokey is here too.

ZORO: (Skeptical) Mr. Smokey? As in Smoker Wayne? Here?

LUFFY: Yeah! Ace said that they were going to play together.

ACE: (Grumble) Dang it, go faster you stupid turtle!

ZORO: [Coughs uncomfortably] Uh… playing?

LUFFY: That's what she said!

ZORO: … Ace is a guy.

LUFFY: Duh!

ZORO: Never mind.

ACE: [Gasp] You #$%er!

ZORO: Uh… maybe I'll talk to him later.

LUFFY: Why not now?

SMOKER: (Smug) Can't keep up?

ACE: (Flustered) Shut up! That won't work again!

ZORO: I think we should leave now…!

LUFFY: Nah, I'll just go in and get him! [Turns doorknob]

SMOKER: Yeah? Then what about this?

ACE: [Cringe] #$%!

[ZORO hastily drags LUFFY away. Exits.]

SMOKER: [Smirk] In your face.

ACE: (Angry) You…! We're doing it again! Again, damn it!

SMOKER: No way! We've already done this eight times. Stop being such a sore loser.

ACE: I'm _not_ a sore loser! [Glare]

SMOKER: Just shut up, Portgas. You're too noisy.

ACE: Seriously! There is no way you could have won fairly! Cheater!

SMOKER: Hey!

ACE: You _definitely_ cheated somehow! There's _no way_ you could've won _every time_ by chucking a #$%ing banana peel at my super cart!

SMOKER: [Snort] Tch - I just have mad skills. You snooze, you lose. [Pause] Oh. Sorry.

ACE: Yeah, thanks a lot, jerk.

* * *

[At the BARATIE restaurant. ZORO and SANJI at table.]

SANJI: You're joking.

ZORO: No.

SANJI: You're pulling my leg!

ZORO: Idiot cook, that was yesterday! But seriously, I heard them…

SANJI: Smoker Wayne? And _Luffy's brother?_

ZORO: (Loudly) Shh! Keep it down! What would you do if people found out Smoker Wayne and Portgas D. Ace are having an illicit affair together?

ZEFF: (Shocked) _Smoker Wayne and Portgas D. Ace are having an illicit affair together?_

[Entire BARATIE gasps in surprise.]

PATTY: Gosh darnit, we have to tell _everyone!_

CARNE: Yessiree!

[EVERYONE runs out to tell EVERYONE ELSE.]

ZORO: Look at what you did! [Glare]

SANJI: [Kick] _That was entirely your fault!_

[ACE enters.]

SANJI: (Whisper) It's him!

ZORO: (Whisper) Just act _natural_.

[ZORO and SANJI smile vacantly.]

ACE: Oh, hey guys!

ZORO: Yes, yes, hey! [Laughs _naturally_]

ACE: (Disturbed) Uh, are you okay…?

SANJI: Oh, he's fine and dandy! Just dandy!

ZORO: As dandy as a dandelion!

[ZORO and SANJI laugh maniacally. ACE slaps them.]

SANJI: Yeah, sorry about that.

ACE: Tch. I don't have the energy to deal with psychos right now. So stop acting like Marco. Immediately. [Yawn]

SANJI: You look tired.

ZORO: (Whisper to SANJI) Idiot! Of course he is!

SANJI: (Whisper to ZORO) Oh right! I forgot!

ACE: Yeah, I'm tired… [Stretch] Ouch… my shoulders hurt too. Guess I stayed in the same position for too long. (Grumble) Stupid old man doesn't know when to call it quits…

ZORO: [Coughs awkwardly] That's nice! Haha!

ACE: Huh?

ZORO: We have to go now! Right Sanji?

SANJI: (Confused) Huh? (Enlightened) Oh! Right! Yes! Yes we do!

[ZORO and SANJI laugh maniacally again.]

ACE: _Don't make me hit you!_ [Glare]

ZORO: That won't be necessary! [Slaps ACE on the back good-naturedly]

ACE: Ow!

SANJI: [Kicks ZORO's head] Idiot! (To ACE) We'll be going now.

[ZORO and SANJI exits.]

ACE: [Cracks shoulder and winces] Ack… no more video games for a while…

* * *

[At POLICE STATION. Ballet lessons.]

BON CLAY: Higher, higher! [Pulls on COBY's leg.]

COBY: _Ow!_

[Phone rings]

GARP: [Picks up] Hello?

ZEFF: (From phone) Your oldest grandson is having an illicit affair with Smoker Wayne!

GARP: (Thunderstruck) ACE IS HAVING AN ILLICIT AFFAIR WITH SMOKER WAYNE?

[Silence]

HELMEPPO: Wait, _what?_

* * *

[At the BARATIE. SANJI on break outside, smoking. Cellphone rings.]

SANJI: [Answers] Hello?

LUFFY: (From phone) Hi Sanji! What's a pimp?

SANJI: [Choke] Why are you asking _me?_

LUFFY: Oh, I forgot to ask you a long time ago! But Ace told me to ask you, haha!

SANJI: Why would _Ace_ make you ask _me_ what a pimp is?

LUFFY: I dunno. Maybe I should have asked Mr. Smokey.

SANJI: _Eh?_

LUFFY: Well, he _was_ there too!

SANJI: Umm…

LUFFY: So, do you know? Tell me! Tell me!

SANJI: (Irritated) Stop bothering me! Ask Ace, _he's_ the gold digger!

LUFFY: Gold digger? What's that? Is it tasty?

[SANJI hangs up. ZORO arrives.]

ZORO: Oi, what happened? You look more terrible than usual.

SANJI: (Despaired) _Luffy has been corrupted!_

* * *

[At GALLEY-LA PARK. SMOKER taking a stroll, enjoying his regained mobility.]

SMOKER: I can _finally_ move, dang it. [Grumble]

HINA: [Appears] Ah, Smoker! Hina hasn't seen you in a while. (Accusing) Smoker wasn't _avoiding_ Hina, was he?

SMOKER: Uh… would saying "yes" be a bad idea?

HINA: Oh it'd be _most unwise._

SMOKER: Uh, I've been, uh, busy. Er… how are things at the station?

HINA: Actually, there have been… rampant rumours… circulating around lately. Hina is most curious…

SMOKER: Hnn.

HINA: How have Garp's grandchildren been faring…?

SMOKER: [Snort] Those annoying brats? Nothing but trouble, like always. Straw Hat is in the hospital.

HINA: What about Ace?

SMOKER: (Grouchy) He's as irritating as ever. Made me waste an entire morning.

HINA: Hina sees… [Taking notes]

SMOKER: … what the heck are you doing?

HINA: (Innocent) Oh, nothing.

SMOKER: (Suspicious) Okay… whatever. [Leaves]

[GARP pops out of a bush]

HINA: The probability of the rumour being true seems high, sir. Hina is most amused.

GARP: (Angry) This is the last straw!

* * *

[Inside SMOKER'S BEDROOM. SMOKER reading. ACE enters.]

ACE: Again! [Points at SMOKER]

SMOKER: (Annoyed) Leave me alone already! Find someone else to play with.

ACE: (Accusing) You're just afraid you won't win this time!

[Bowling ball whizzes past ACE's nose]

ACE: (Very unmanly) _Eek!_ [Clings to SMOKER in terror]

SMOKER: [Stares blankly at bowling ball embedded in wall] Um…

GARP: [Comes out of the closet] AHA! CAUGHT IN THE ACT!

ACE: (Hysterical) I'm sorry! I'll never bother Smoker again!

SMOKER: (Hopeful) Really?

GARP: No, not that! [Jabs ACE with finger] How _dare_ you do such a thing?

ACE: Ouchy! [Wibble] What did I do?

GARP: That thing you did this morning with Smoker in your apartment!

ACE: Oh! That. Uh…

GARP: For Pete's sake, think about how much older he is than you! Fourteen years!

SMOKER: See? It's not just me that says that… [Grumble]

ACE: But how does that matter?

GARP: Don't speak, you insolent cur! [Glare]

[ACE nods vigorously]

GARP: Shame! Shame on you! You are prohibited from seeing Smoker _ever again_, do you hear me?

ACE: (Aghast) What?

GARP: _Silence!_

[ACE shuts up again]

SMOKER: Isn't that a _tad_ extreme? Not like I'm complaining.

GARP: After such a heinous breach of conduct? I'm being _lenient_.

ACE: (Confused) B-but… what the heck was so _wrong_ about it?

GARP: (Angry) You're asking me what's wrong with having an illicit affair with Smoker Wayne?

[Silence]

SMOKER: (Revolted) What the #$%? With Portgas?[Pause] With_ anyone?_

ACE: [Blush] Where did _that_ come from?

GARP: Don't feign ignorance! Luffy and Zoro _clearly _heard you two in your bedroom, Ace!

ACE: … Uh, we were just playing video games, gramps.

GARP: [Pause] Oh. (Cheerful) Never mind, then! Gwahahaha! [Exit]

ACE: _What the heck!_

SMOKER: (Angry) See? I _told_ you that playing video games was a bad idea! Did you listen? NO! You just kept _pestering_ me!

ACE: But didn't you have fun?

SMOKER: NO! [Glare Glare Glare]

ACE: Hey, you _were_ having fun! Don't deny it. Play again with me!

SMOKER: Shut up! I'm _never_ playing Moria Kart with you ever again, you _twit!_


	12. Fashion Statement

**12. FASHION STATEMENT**

* * *

[SMOKER'S OFFICE. SMOKER reading at desk. TASHIGI stumbles in.]

TASHIGI: (Panicky) Sir!

SMOKER: Hn?

TASHIGI: Uh… I did something bad.

SMOKER: (Apprehensive) … as in "slightly undesirable", "preferably non-existent", "not good", "very not good", "oh please no", "oh please please no", "oh please _please_ #$% no", or "OH SHI -!" kind of bad?

TASHIGI: The last one, sir! [Wibble]

SMOKER: (Aghast) You finally killed someone?

TASHIGI: No sir, not yet sir! [Pause] I mean never! _Never!_

SMOKER: Okay, okay! So what _did_ you do?

TASHIGI: … I left your Batman mask at the dry cleaners. [Cringe]

SMOKER: (Enlightened) … oh, so _that's_ how you clean it.

TASHIGI: (Timid) You're not angry, sir?

SMOKER: (Loudly) _OF COURSE I'M ANGRY!_

TASHIGI: Eep! [Cower]

SMOKER: [Facepalm] Just… just find me a substitute in two hours. I need to go out tonight.

TASHIGI: Yes, sir! [Typical Tashigi-esque exit.]

SMOKER: Huh. Wonder where it is now…

* * *

[Outside WHITEBEARD'S. ACE taking a break from work (and MARCO). Cellphone rings. ACE answers it suspiciously.]

ACE: Hello…?

LUFFY: (From phone) Hi Ace!

ACE: (Relieved) Oh, hey Lu! What's up?

LUFFY: What's a gold digger?

ACE: Eh?

LUFFY: No wait, I got it! It means someone who picks his nose a lot, right?

ACE: [Facepalm] … no.

* * *

[In GALLEY-LA PARK. TASHIGI frantically searching for something that can replace the lost BATMAN mask.]

TASHIGI: Um… dandelions? No, they're rather flashy… (Frustrated) Where can I find a mask?

SOGEKING: [Randomly appears] You can find one… in your heart.

TASHIGI: Why are you _always_ here?

* * *

[At the SKYPEIA CLEANERS. MOP doing his part-time job.]

MOP: (Puzzled) Uh… wha…? [Picks up BATMAN's mask. Er… [Looks around for possible owner] Guess I'll keep it for now.

* * *

[In the BATCAVE. SMOKER in almost-full BATMAN attire, waiting impatiently for TASHIGI to give him a mask. TASHIGI falls through ceiling and lands on Batmobile. Car alarm sounds.]

SMOKER: Er…

TASHIGI: I'm okay, sir! [Untangles herself from air bags]

SMOKER: Right. So… did you find anything?

TASHIGI: [Sigh] The best thing I could find at such short notice was this. [Holds out an alien mask]

SMOKER: … an alien mask.

TASHIGI: Yes, sir.

SMOKER: … an _alien_ mask?

TASHIGI: _Yes_, sir! There wasn't anything else… [Pause] No wait, there _was_ a clown mask, but that's worse.

SMOKER: True. [Reluctantly wears alien mask]

TASHIGI: (Cheerful) Well, no one will know it's really you under that hideously embarrassing disguise!

SMOKER: (Sarcastic) Thanks a lot.

TASHIGI: You're welcome!

* * *

[At the LOGUETOWN POST OFFICE. Foggy. Nighttime. UNKNOWN FIGURE (?) lurking suspiciously near a mailbox.]

?: One last letter until my mission is complete!

BATMAN: [Appears] Desist your unlawful activities, Two-Face!

TWO-FACE: (Amused) Man, that was lamer than last time – _AAAARGH!_

BATMAN: [Jumps in surprise]

TWO-FACE: (Fearful) It's an _alien!_ [Pause] Do you come in peace?

BATMAN: I _just_ said "desist your unlawful activities". Do you_ think_ I come in peace?

TWO-FACE: (Hopeful) Yes?

BATMAN: Uh, _no_.

TWO-FACE: _Aaaaaaaaargh!_ [Panics]

BATMAN: Oh, for Pete's sake… [Facepalm]

TWO-FACE: (Apprehensive) You don't do that, er, _probe_ thing, right…?

BATMAN: [Groan]

TWO-FACE: What's _that_ supposed to mean?

BATMAN: No, no, I don't do the probe thing. [Sigh]

TWO-FACE: Then you must be a _nice_ alien!

BATMAN: I'm not a #$%ing alien!

TWO-FACE: You aren't?

BATMAN: No! I'm _Batman_, you moron!

TWO-FACE: [Scoff] Yeah right. You're just an alien in a Batman costume!

BATMAN: Has it ever occurred to your pea-brain that I might be _Batman_ in an alien costume?

TWO-FACE: No, because that's stupid!

BATMAN: [Massages forehead] (Monotone) Oh no, you've found me out. I am totally an alien in a Batman costume.

TWO-FACE: (Triumphant) Haha! (Curious) So, Mr. Alien, why are you here?

BATMAN: Uh, Batman sent me. In the name of Justice.

TWO-FACE: Ohh… where did _he_ go?

BATMAN: Er, he's on vacation in, uh, Poland… Land.

TWO-FACE: Wow, I've never been to Poland Land!

BATMAN: Yeah, many people haven't. Many, _many_ people. As in nobody. (Mutter) Since Poland Land doesn't exist…

TWO-FACE: So you're here in the name of Justice?

BATMAN: Right.

TWO-FACE: Are you going to abduct me?

BATMAN: Uh… no.

TWO-FACE: Yey!

BATMAN: I'm going to _arrest_ you.

TWO-FACE: Darn it!

BATMAN: I can't just let you keep sending asinine letters to people! It's irritating!

TWO-FACE: But they're _important!_

BATMAN: That doesn't change the fact that they're irritating! Insult people the conventional way – go post angry comments on their Tracebook walls or something! No one _mails_ anymore!

TWO-FACE: I do!

BATMAN: _Besides_ you!

TWO-FACE: Oh. True. [Gasp] But I _have_ to send this one!

BATMAN: No!

TWO-FACE: Yes!

BATMAN: No!

TWO-FACE: Yes!

BATMAN: Yes!

TWO-FACE: _No!_ [Pause] Wait, I mean –

BATMAN: [Takes letter from TWO-FACE while he's distracted] Hehe.

TWO-FACE: (Panicky) Ack! Give that back!

BATMAN: (Threatening) _Shut up_ or I'll _probe_ you!

TWO-FACE: I'll be good! [Shuts up]

BATMAN: [Sigh] (Reads aloud) "Marshall D. Teach is guilty." [Pause] That's it?

TWO-FACE: _Yes_, and it's very important! [Tries to retrieve letter]

BATMAN: _Probe!_

TWO-FACE: [Desists]

BATMAN: [Sigh] Stop accusing people of doing random junk. [Pause. Stares at smiley faces on purloined letter.] Hmm… [Longer pause]

TWO-FACE: Yo, what're you staring at?

BATMAN: Shut up!

TWO-FACE: Paper!

BATMAN: Probe!

TWO-FACE: (Braver) Paper beats rock!

BATMAN: … what the #$%? (Annoyed) Probe beats butt! Now _shut up_. Honestly, you're acting just like Po – [Pause] _ARGH!_

TWO-FACE: _Waa! Don't probe me!_

BATMAN: Portgas D. #$%ing Ace, what are you _doing?_ Again?

TWO-FACE: I'M NOT ACE!

BATMAN: [Takes off TWO-FACE's facial disguise] YES YOU ARE!

TWO-FACE: NO, I'M HIS UH EVIL TWIN UH ECAD SAGTROP.

BATMAN: (Irritated) What is _wrong_ with you? Egad!

ECAD: Yes?

BATMAN: _Shut up!_ Can you _stop_ running around like a hooligan in a costume?

ECAD: Er… [Stares at BATMAN]

BATMAN: _PROBE!_

ECAD: (Quickly) Yes, sir! Never again, sir! [Salute]

BATMAN: (Frustrated) First Joker, now this? What's your _problem?_

ECAD: That wasn't me, that was my twin, Por –

BATMAN: No twins! _You're Portgas!_

ECAD: I'm _not_ Portgas!

BATMAN: Yes you are! You copied the stupid smiley things from your _stupid hat_ on _every bloody letter_ you sent!

ECAD: No! That just symbolizes my role!

BATMAN: As a psychopath?

ECAD: As a spreader of truth! (Explanatory) By day I am Comedy – I wear the unsuspicious character of Portgas D. Ace who is super awesome! But then people have no idea that by night I am Tragedy, spreading the ugly truth no one else will reveal! See? Two-Face! [Pause] … and I just admitted I was Ace, didn't I?

BATMAN: Yep.

ACE: [Sigh] Well, that was dumb…

BATMAN: Yep.

ACE: I set myself up for that, didn't I?

BATMAN: Yep.

ACE: … Can I still send that letter, Mr. Alien?

BATMAN: Nope.

ACE: (Disappointed) Darn it! I was hoping you'd keep saying "yep"!

BATMAN: Nice try. [Frown] What's so important about this, anyways?

ACE: (Determined) I need to convince people that Blackbeard murdered Thatch!

BATMAN: (Surprised) Say _what?_

ACE: (Upset) No one is believing me!

BATMAN: Do you have proof?

ACE: He _confessed_ in the restaurant! In front of Jozu, Marco, and I! We heard him! And the security cam recorded it!

BATMAN: Then you've got him!

ACE: (Depressed) No, the court didn't count any of it as legitimate evidence.

BATMAN: Why not?

ACE: They didn't understand what he was saying!

BATMAN: Oh.

ACE: So now he's been acquitted. But I _know_ he's guilty! I just can't _prove_ it…! [Wibble]

BATMAN: … you can send the letter.

ACE: (Surprised) R-really?

BATMAN: It's in the name of Justice. [Draws in a little bat on the letter] Now it's more official.

ACE: (Cheerful) Yey, go Mr. Alien! [Drops letter in mailbox] Thanks so much!

BATMAN: Yeah, whatever. Now… no more weird costumes, okay?

ACE: Okay! [Pinky promise]

BATMAN: [Twitch] … Let go of my finger. [Glare Glare Glare]

ACE: Yes, sir! Bye, Mr. Alien! [Waits expectantly for alien farewell]

BATMAN: Yeah. Uh. Live long and prosper. [Spock]

ACE: _Whoa!_

[BATMAN leaves in the Batmobile]

ACE: … How did he _do_ that? [Fiddles with his hand]


	13. Cahnsahkwinsahzz

**13. CAHNSAHKWINSAHZZ**

* * *

[In WHITEBEARD'S OFFICE. WHITEBEARD (WB) sits on an imposing chair behind desk. BB sitting in front of desk. JOZU and MARCO seated on random chairs in OFFICE. ACE standing in front of desk.]

ACE: I'm telling you, pops! Blackbeard murdered Thatch!

BB: Ah ded nawt.

ACE: Shut up! You're guilty! _Guilty!_

WB: [Sigh] Son, the court acquitted him. Nothing we can do about it.

ACE: But… but…

JOZU: Yeah man, they didn't even find proof! [Taps chair with spatula]

MARCO: Thaaaaaaaaatch… [Wail]

ACE: … Marco you're useless.

[MARCO cries harder]

ACE: They _still_ refused to accept the tape?

WB: Well, nobody understood it.

ACE: _I_ did!

WB: Yeah, that's why nobody accepted the tape.

JOZU: Oh, you got _burned_, dude.

ACE: (Distracted) Fire? (Focused) Geh! I mean… the confession was caught on _tape_. And it doesn't count?

BB: Aht's behcahz nao bahdeh knyew what ah wahz sehyang. [Snahrt]

JOZU: What?

MARCO: What?

WB: What?

ACE: [Facepalm] ARGH!

BB: ZEHAHAHAHAHAHA!

JOZU: Ace, stop acting like you know what he's saying!

ACE: I'm not _acting_, it's true! [Pout]

WB: (Mildly impressed) Really, son? How'd you manage _that?_

ACE: I can understand pretty much _anything_ after communicating with Luffy, Marco, and Smoker on a daily basis.

JOZU: Wait, why Smoker?

ACE: He normally doesn't talk – he just sort of grunts all the time. Er, except when he's on medication. Then he speaks in lots of random languages, and then I really have no idea what he's saying… [Shudders at the bad memory]

JOZU: True. But I still don't believe you understand Blackbeard.

WB: Same here, son.

MARCO: Ace will just prove himself, right?

BB: Ah lahk mah shooz, mah shooz ahr kewl, ahnd kewl ahz gahd, and gahd iz gahd.

MARCO: Um, what did he just say?

ACE: "I like my shoes, my shoes are cool, and cool is good, and good is good."

JOZU: Man, there's no way he said that. [Scoff]

WB: Agreed.

MARCO: Yeah…

ACE: [Glares at BB] You did that on purpose…

BB: ZEHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

ACE: (Irritated) _Would you stop that!_

MARCO: Well, Ace, try one more time!

BB: Wszystkiego najlepszego z okazji urodzin.

MARCO: Ace?

ACE: "Wszystkiego najlepszego z okazji urodzin."

JOZU: Dude, you're not supposed _repeat_ him!

ACE: But that's what he said!

JOZU: Well duh, because you just repeated him!

ACE: No, I mean it's in another language!

WB: But what does it mean, son?

ACE: I have no clue, but it sounds vaguely sinister.

MARCO: Maybe it means happy birthday!

ACE: Pfft, no way man.

[MARCO cries]

WB: [Whacks table] Order! Order in the court!

JOZU: [Snicker] Hamburger, please!

BB: Ah'd lahk sum DAHKNESS, ZEHAHAHAHAHAHA!

ACE: You can't eat that!

MARCO: I want Ace!

ACE: You can't eat me either!

MARCO: I beg to differ –

ACE: DO NOT WANT!

WB: I said _order!_

ACE: Ooh ooh my turn um um a cheeseburger, a hamburger, a double cheeseburger, a fishy burger, a veggie burger, a chicken burger, er I changed my mind about the veggie burger so replace it with a meat burger, and another cheese –

[WB throws a pencil at ACE]

ACE: Sorry pops, I was hungry.

WB: [Sigh] Well, even though the court acquitted Blackbeard, I'm still going to have to punish him somehow. We've been getting bad publicity.

BB: Dayum.

MARCO: Oh, I understood that one!

WB: Shut up, idiot. Um, son.

[MARCO cries. Again.]

WB: Blackbeard, you're fired.

ACE: Fire? [Looks around curiously]

BB: Pahrohmahneeyahk.

ACE: Unemployed!

BB: Yew mahy hahv tha lahzt lahf nao, baht soown ahll af yew wahll sahffur mah rahwth! ZEHAHAHAHAHAHA!

WB: Oh get out already.

BB: AH'LL BEH BACH, ZEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [Exits]

[Silence]

JOZU: What did he say? [Twirls spatula]

* * *

[Inside SMOKER'S BEDROOM. SMOKER enters.]

SMOKER: …

ACE: [Snore]

SMOKER: [Kicks ACE off his bed] What the #$% are you doing in here?

ACE: Oww… [Blinks sleepily] Oh, hi Smoker!

SMOKER: [Picks up the bowling ball that GARP threw into his wall last week] (Angry) GET OUT!

ACE: [Screams in terror and hides under the bed]

SMOKER: [Feels mildly guilty] (Grumble) Okay, what do you want?

ACE: (Muffled) I was scared.

SMOKER: And you're here as opposed to somewhere else because…?

ACE: Your bed is comfy!

[SMOKER rolls the bowling ball under the bed. ACE shrieks in fear, followed by a yelp of pain.]

SMOKER: Okay, get out now!

[Bowling ball rams into SMOKER's feet]

SMOKER: OW! [Glare Glare Glare] GET OUT OF THERE!

ACE: I don't want to!

SMOKER: [Flops onto the bed]

ACE: Ouch!

SMOKER: [Bounces on the bed] (Feigned innocence) Sorry, what did you say?

ACE: [Crawls out from under the bed and flops onto the edge of it] (Mumble) Jerk.

SMOKER: … uh, did I do that to your nose?

ACE: (Annoyed) Yeah. You and the bowling ball.

SMOKER: Sorry. Sort of. [Stops bouncing around] What're you scared of?

ACE: Aside from bowling balls and Garp… I've been a bit worried about Blackbeard lately… [Sigh]

SMOKER: Acquitted, right?

ACE: (Gloomy) Yeah… [Pause] How'd you know?

SMOKER: Uh… the… uh… Justice Newspaper.

ACE: Whoa! Awesome! (Excited) Can I read it?

SMOKER: No, only rich people, vigilantes, or rich vigilantes can read it.

ACE: Darn.

SMOKER: Anyways, there's nothing to worry about. [Pause] Probably.

ACE: I dunno… Blackbeard is pretty weird… he might do something… (Mumble) And he _did_ say that he'd be back…

SMOKER: [Blink] What was that last part?

ACE: Nothing…

SMOKER: Never mind then. [Sigh] Well, everything will be fine. [Pause] Probably.

ACE: But Whitebeard fired him, and he doesn't seem to like me very much.

SMOKER: The former is expected, and the latter is universal.

ACE: Hey! [Wibble]

SMOKER: Whatever. Let's get your nose fixed now. So you'll stop dripping blood all over my bed.

ACE: Oh. Okay.

* * *

[In WAREHOUSE. Dim lighting. GOLDFISH floating imperiously within his Fishbowl of Evil. MOP enters and bows respectfully.]

GOLDFISH: **Have you found anything useful**, my loyal servant?

MOP: Perhaps, master. [Presents GOLDFISH with BATMAN's mask]

GOLDFISH: This… this is…! [Laughs so evilly that the earth trembles in fear]

MOP: Master?

GOLDFISH: **You have done well.**

MOP: Thank you, master.

[PIGEON enters and bows respectfully]

GOLDFISH: Ah, Hattori. I have a job for you.

PIGEON: Yes, master.

[GOLDFISH hands PIGEON an envelope. PIGEON opens it and reads the instructions inside]

GOLDFISH: **Do not fail me.**

PIGEON: It will be done, and it will be done well. [Bow]

GOLDFISH: **And now… we begin!**


End file.
